sammyphoenix

I made it though and honestly it wasn’t too bad. I couldn’t tell if it was a change in me or a change in her. He was still what I remembered. She talked a lot about what was going on in her life and had all this little stories to tell. I didn’t say too much but managed to hold a conversation. I just don’t like talking about myself. I don’t think I’m interesting or people won’t ‘get’ the things I’m into. But she seemed softer than what I remembered. Maybe it’s old age, maybe it was the hard pain medications she isn’t on anymore. Maybe it was because it was just the two of us. But I at least feel like I could do things with her and actually like her. I’ve now got to get myself over my phone phobia and try to call her now and again. That’s going to be a big push for me. It was still hard getting her to break away when things were done. The phone has always been harder. She just doesn’t stop talking and gets on tangents easily. I’ll either keep it to the weekends or late in the day for hopes that she needs to go to bed for work or something.

The plant is up and running. It’s been a busy weekend. A few things not running quite right but we will keep it going. I tried to not let myself get down at times. I feel so inadequate at times at work.

I’m the only female out and about in the plant a majority of my time. I had to get some pH probes into a line for service. The line already had pressure on it when I tried to install them. I struggled for close to 45 minutes hoping I could for them in. I got one of the three probes to go in about half way, but no farther then that. I had to concede and ask for help. Grabbed on of the operator guys. Ugh. He still struggled, but he was able to get all three probes in in just a few minutes.

I’ve been trying to work out and build up some muscles. But being a small and petite as I am, it’s going to take a while. I had been feeling pretty good, but I still know that my current upper limit is light for most men. It just so frustrating. I have to work so much harder, and I still fall short.

My work is doing a team based step competition. I’ve been trying to get an answer out of the four guys I work with if they want to be a team. No one gives me an answer. I guess they aren’t too interested as one has talked about trying to be on the team of one of the people who usually, questionably wins other competitions. I think the other two probably have friends in other departments that they would rather be with. Guess that’s a con of not making friends easily and being one of the few women at a work site. The HR lady asked if I wanted to be on her team. I do t know who else is on her team. I do t know her that well and it’s weird feeling to me. But I doubt anyone else would want to be on a team with me. I also wonder if she’s putting together a female team. If that’s the case I guess I could use it as a chance to get to know the others at work better.

Long time since I’ve posted here. I’m in need of a place to write a bit, I’ve got things all stuck in my mind and I don’t know where to put them. Funny enough all my social media accounts I don’t feel like I can be myself and socialize or post when I have struggles.

I have been doing pretty well though, all things considered. But, it’s hunting season, so we have all the visitors coming to the lab at work to talk about hunting and deeeeeer. I feel so left out. I don’t hunt and I’m the only female at work now. With COVID all the other women who work in HR or financial are all on varied shifts and it’s discouraged to visit area you don’t need to be. I’ve got no one to talk to anymore. So, I’ve been getting these hurt/sad feelings when people drop by to visit with my coworker (who everyone claims to dislike!) and if he’s not here they just leave.

I should be use to it by now, but it always comes back this time of year because of all the visits we get. At least when my other female coworker was here people stayed for a while... but that doesn’t help that hurt feeling.

I know a lot of it is my own fault. I’m not into any of the same things as any people here so it’s hard to hold conversations. I’m also bad at sharing my own hobbies because I figure people just don’t care. My coworker claims he cares, but when I share stuff I either have to explain something I have had to explain several times in the past when I shared things, or he uses it to mock me. That really doesn’t make me want to share my hobbies. I just end up keeping to myself.
I wonder how lonely I’ll be if work doesn’t replace him by the time he plans to retire. How many people will come visit when I’m the only one here. Not many I’m sure.

I just struggle everywhere. I can’t socialize in real life and I can’t socialize on social media. I’m apart of groups, but don’t feel “fan” enough, and I stay out of conversations. Even when it’s no directly fandom based, but technique based, I don’t feel I have enough experience to say things. But like all things no one cares anyways so I don’t know why I let it bother me. Stupid mental loop.

Good grief! It has been almost a month since I posted a blog. I'm so bad at this stuff. I'm sorry I get discouraged so easily from these types of things. I will continue to try my best and improve on that.

Just as I will try to focus more on my art projects. I've been starting and stopping projects because I don't feel anyone is interested in what I do. I'm doing my best to remind myself that I'm doing this because I enjoy doing it, not for others recognition. It is a hard thing to get over.

( Read On! )

Fell off that horse much sooner than I had expected. Depression led to a long sickness and then life just got in the way, I fell hard and have been struggling to get going again. I have been doing little things from time to time.

( Read On! )

Life has gotten kind of busy and stressful.  I've been managing to do a little work each day though, working mainly on my tablet.  Its been fun practicing working digitally. I feel so slow when it comes to working digitally. I'm not sure yet if it actually takes longer, or if being able to easily erase, move, resize, and manipulate has caused me to spend more time on them.

( See Drawings )

As I posted previously, I've started a daily sketch challenge for February. ( Read On! )

I've been toying with some digital drawings and participate in twitter's #WreckNRule art challenge.

( Read On! )

My husband often tries to talk me into setting up a patreon. It seems like so much work that I don’t know if I can commit to. So as a compromise I’ve set up a Ko-if account. So If you enjoy my work and ramblings consider a donation. It will be greatly appreciated

http://ko-fi.com/sammyphoenix